Changing of the Change

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So, today you can separate your bank accounts.

A panic rose in me, beginning in my heart and then almost choking off my throat.

Today?, I squeaked out.

The two mediation lawyers looked me directly in the eye, and said,

Yes

Not that any of this wasn’t real….the divorce, the mediation, the apartment on the market….

But, this meant I was only going to have half in my bank account of what I had yesterday. Yes, I had temp work lined up, and was auditioning, but it was more a feeling of panic that I was extricating myself from a dual situation, a comfortable situation that I had been in for 15 years.

There was no longer a safety net with two incomes.

As I looked at the mediators staring at my bank statements, I knew this train was leaving the station. I didn’t feel I had a choice anymore. All attempts at trying to stop this divorce from happening had been futile.

So, today was the day.
So, I went to the bank.

And for the first time in my life at 37, I was financially independent.

And once it was done, I felt something I didn’t expect,

Freedom.

 

A few months later, I was at a yoga retreat in Guatemala. This was my birthday present to myself, as I was licking my wounded heart after moving out of my married home in June, and being robbed in the process.

Someone literally broke into my car in the middle of the night and took everything that was in it, about $4K worth of my belongings, and all of it deeply personal.

The retreat was intense, healing, made even more powerful by a profound experience with a Mayan shaman…..but that’s a story for another time.

This story is about money, or what I thought was money.

There was a gift shop at the retreat center, and I must have bought Birthday and Christmas presents for every person in my life. Everything was handmade, gorgeous, and insanely affordable.

I knew I wanted some kind of keepsake for myself, and my eye came across a coin purse, simple, with several vibrant colorful threads interwoven.

I flew home with it, and it became a new symbol for me. This is where I was placing my money as a single woman. This is where I was building my life.

As I filled it with my cards, ID, and cash, I felt something I hadn’t felt all year,

Empowerment.

 

A few months ago, I took a long look at that same coin purse, and began to see the wear and tear.

The vibrant threads were fading and starting to come undone; a hole was forming in the front zippered area, where my metro card was peeking out in bright yellow.

This purse had been the purse of a woman building her life from ashes, and now it was not fitting its owner,

An artist building a mission.

I had heard one of my coaches asking the story of where we keep our money.

What does it look like?
What color is your purse?
Is it torn and faded?

And I saw the growth. I had just had a $30K month in my company, and I saw how this purse had held the woman I WAS, and now was unraveling as I was stepping into abundant success with my company.

So, I went to buy a new coin purse.

And this one was vibrant pink, with space to hold more. This was a purse that reflected who I am today.

And who I am becoming.

I brought the new purse home and laid them side by side….Guatemalan threads by vibrant pink clasps. I emptied out the first one and cleaned out old cards I didn’t need anymore.

Then I lit some Paulo Santo wood, and said quite simply,

Thank You.

And then I released the purse into the trash and took it outside. And I felt something powerful,

Calm.

 

Where do you keep your money?

Or even more powerfully, HOW do you keep your money?

Is your money a reflection of who you are today, or are you playing out an old scene on a decrepit stage, one where you are starving?

Is this even YOUR scene, or one you have taken on from other Creatives around you or possibly the generation before you who told you:

You can’t make a living with your Art
There’s no income in the Creative Fields
You have to offer your work for free

I never thought I could make in one month what I usually made in a year as a performer.

It took extricating myself from more than one situation to learn I was capable of earning more.

That situation was more than my marriage.

It was actually my belief.

The belief that it’s RIGHT to make a healthy living doing what is in your heart, and deepest to you.

The belief that you CAN feel with your money
Freedom
Empowerment
Calm

Maybe even vibrant pink….

So, what does your wallet or purse look like, and does it reflect who you are today, or who you have been?

What if it reflected who you are BECOMING?

 

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