The Final Step

I’m scared.

I’m scared I’ll fall…..

I’ve been waiting for this day.
I’ve been placing so much energy and effort on this vision and dream, and now that it’s here…

I’m terrified.

Will I be able to deliver?
Will I be able to show up?

and most of all…

If I’m no longer working so hard for this…then, WHAT am I doing?

Have you felt like this?

You’ve been on the sidelines for years, working so hard to build your fans and audience, slaving on your artistic craft just waiting for that moment to stand in the spotlight, and then when the day arrives…

Your throat closes
You question yourself
You hesitate

What the HECK is going on??
Why aren’t you rushing the light and basking in the glow?

Trust me, I get it.

I’ve been putting every ounce of energy into one goal for the past four and half years, and it’s here, it’s bloomed into fruition, beyond my wildest dreams.

You see….I’m in love.

And not just “oh let’s see where this goes” kind of love….it’s life partnership love.  This is the epic love I have been waiting and working for.  This is the love I have dreamt about, and visualized about, and gone on countless dates for.

A soulmate love, the kind that nourishes and expands.

The love that made me hire two coaches, two therapists, a tantra healer, a feng shui expert, and start meditating.

Yes…I’ve been BUSY.

And it’s bringing up all my fears and doubts.

And I couldn’t be more grateful.  Thank goodness!

So, I imagine right now, you are saying,
Why would I WANT my fears and doubts to come up, Nikol? That sounds totally counter-intuitive!

Quite simply, because you need to know what is playing underneath to create change.

If you want to be able to own the spotlight with confidence, there’s one final step you need to take.

CLAIM IT.

 

Earlier this year, I had several powerful sessions with a healer here in Manhattan named Kristina Kincaid.

She took me through a gestalt exercise where she placed my dreams and desires in a tangible object and placed it in front of me.

The object?  A pillow.

It was a long haired, soft, and large pillow.  Inviting, warm, and yet, when she placed it at my feet, I was terrified to pick it up.

I started to shake…..this pillow represented so much…epic love, a family, my deepest desires coming true…and I felt absolutely frozen in my spot.

I was afraid of what would happen.

And as the tears streamed down my face, I realized what was really playing underneath…

I was afraid I would be rejected.

But, if I’ve learned anything in the past four years since my divorce, it’s this,

Step through the fear, because change waits on the other side.

So, I bent down and picked up the pillow….and a miracle happened.

The tears stopped
I began to breath deeper
I felt an enormous sense of relief

The world didn’t come crashing down, or the skies open and lightning strike me for taking this action.

There was no booming voice from the heavens saying
What are you DOING??
You don’t deserve this!
This is wrong!!

In fact, I felt so much more clear, and hopeful.  I felt more certain and secure.

I had NO idea how much this fear of rejection had been running the show!

The scariest part was actually taking the action, because it meant I had to let go of the old story.

The old story that I will be rejected if I claim and own my dreams.

Turns out…it’s just a story, and in picking up the pillow, I could feel through my whole body an enormous freedom and relief.

And I met my man two weeks later.

 

What story is running underneath that’s keeping you from claiming your dreams?

Who would you be if you actually did:

Become a NY Times Bestseller
Give a TED Talk
Book your Broadway Show
Be Featured Globally for your Art
Perform to a Sold Out Auditorium

I imagine you would be someone very different than the creative standing frozen, staring at the pillow in front of you.

And the beautiful truth is, that Creative is inside you now, just waiting for you to pick it up.

Pick it up and claim your dream.
Claim your ABILITY, and OWN your brilliance.

The spotlight isn’t there to burn, it’s there to illuminate.

The fear is actually PART OF the process and proof of how much it means to you. 

So, take this leap, and watch your old stories fade away.

Clearing 2016

bookshelf-jar-of-miracles

2016…..are you over yet?

I have heard this phrase repeatedly this past week from the PTSD people are still feeling from the election to the slew of celebrity deaths that have left all creatives just staring at the ball saying,

DROP ALREADY!

And yet, this week, even in the midst of taking in losing such icons as George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, I found myself staring at something quite new.

Open Space and hope.

But it took me getting rid of something…actually two things to feel this.

Two things, that took me four years to fully let go of.

 

In front of me, a sheet, with two columns, listing every item in the apartment, in my home.

Or what was my home.

The words keep blurring as I look at the list, my mind still in shock and my eyes red from crying.

Who knew I had the capacity to cry every day?

Who knew I was going to have to split everything directly down the middle…..

In front of me a list, and for these two items, it was pretty easy to decide how to split.

Two bookcases, one to each,
Two cd towers, one to each.

And so it is.

 

When I moved into my new apartment post divorce back in 2013, I had anxiety about bringing furniture from my married home.  How was this energy for healing?

But my parents had also brought up family pieces from my grandparents, and these pieces brought a great balance to the space.

And I liked these two pieces.

Didn’t I?

 

Over time, I watched the bookcase become more and more crowded, and the cd tower a joke, as all my music was digital.  Yes, I had a huge library of music, but no disc player, and in front of me every day, this tall piece that felt so out of date.

I thought, maybe I can us the cd tower for something else?

And then did nothing, and let it sit….taking up space.

Have you done this?

 

Last month, while I was in Hawaii, I was getting a ride to the airport with the brilliant Christa O’Leary who is a feng shui expert, and actually services the royal British family.  I asked if she had any advice for ways I could clear my space and she said,

It’s good you have been away from your apartment for a bit.  When you return home, leave your bags at the door, and then enter your home.  See if anything feels off, then you will know what needs to go. And just out of curiosity, is there anything that comes to mind right now?

Oh yes…..

Two bookcases, one to each
Two cd towers, one to each

Taking up space, harboring my past.

And then it all came flooding in, as it wasn’t the pieces themselves..it was the last memory associated with them.

And a story poured out of me in Christa’s car…..both of these pieces were handmade by my ex father in law.  I was very close to him. He was a second father to me, and I thought for sure in the face of the divorce, he would fight for me, that he would pull his son aside and say what a mistake he was making.

Little did I know.

I told the story of calling him, in the midst of the storm to beg him to help me, and his resounding answer…

NO.

And Christa said to me,

Even if it’s subconscious, that energy is still playing out in your space. 

NO.  This is not what I wanted. 

I want a space of forgiveness, I want a space of creativity, I want a space to grow and create the life I desire.

And sure enough, when I walked back into my apartment, after being gone for three weeks in November, it was crystal clear.  I felt like the cd tower was screaming,

TIME TO GO!

 

So, as it was three and a half years ago, when my parents moved me into this apartment, they helped me move OUT these two pieces.

Two bookcases…..now just two
Two cd towers….new owners

No more divide.

All those cds?  I began to slowly import what wasn’t in my iTunes and donated to my local library.

And the bookcase?  It was replaced with a new one that actually could hold my new life, my booming business, and my library of scores, scripts, and fiction.

I placed items onto the new shelves, beaming with the space, beaming with this huge step.

The last thing I placed on the shelf was a glass jar I had with a colorful blue sticker that read,

A Jar For Collecting Everyday Miracles

Inside….small white pieces of paper that had been folded over this past year, of moments I felt were small miracles.

I picked up a small empty piece of paper, and wrote simply in blue ink,

Got rid of the bookshelf and cd tower

I then folded it in thirds, placed it inside, and put the jar on it’s new shelf.

Out my window, I looked at both pieces of furniture lying sideways on the cement sidewalk,  their wooden frames in repose.

And then I turned around within my home, to see what lay in their wake.

Space…sweet space.
My God…what a difference.

 

We can’t change the past.  And what we hold on to can be subtle, even sneaky.

It could even be a piece of furniture. It really depends of the story you have lying underneath.

If you are truly desiring to make a difference and turn 2016 into an incredible 2017, then there is really only one question to ask,

What are you holding on to?

Take a moment, and take a breath.  Look around and ask if what you are surrounding yourself is keeping you rooted in the past of your failures and smallness…..

And instead ask what will help you GROW.

We create in space, not in constriction.  We need to feel the freedom of possibility.

You may have taken a beating this past year, but now you have the chance to rise above the divide.

Now you have the chance for collecting Everyday Miracles.

So, who’s with me?

3, 2, 1 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!