Abuse No More in the Arts

Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, it’s just not good enough for your teacher?

Do you feel pushed down, and small when you go to class or your lessons?

Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?
Like you are always wrong?

When was the last time you left your class or lesson and felt GOOD about yourself, and your progress with your Art?

If you can’t remember, there may be something deeper going on…and it actually has nothing to do with you.

If you have been feeling frustrated with your growth, it may be time to look at your teacher….

 

I took a year off dancing when I was 11.  I was living in England at the time, and my mother took me out of the ballet school I was attending in Bury St. Edmunds, because the teacher was holding me back.  I was the only American in the class, and even though I worked so hard, and my level was just as high as the others, I was the only one not allowed to move to the next level.

My mother was furious, and spoke with my teacher, hoping to gain understanding.  My teacher was a stone wall, and my mother deeply believed I was being discriminated against, after the conversation.

Rather than subject me and my love of dance to another year with this woman, she took me out.

We moved to Germany, and I got back to dancing once a week, and got my first pair of pointe shoes.  I was over the moon, but not really growing as much as a dancer.

Then we moved to Montgomery, Alabama and I was accepted into the Baldwin School for the Arts, and was taking dance two hours a day, five days a week at the advanced level class with a former Royal School of Ballet teacher, Leslie Caruso.

I was one of the WORST dancers in the class.  The year off from dance had affected me, as had the ho-hum teaching I had received when I was 13, once a week, at a studio on base in Heidelberg.  This was really the first time I was getting quality training on an intensive schedule…and something magical happened…I grew.  Not only my confidence, but my technique, my expression, and I started to choreograph.

I was excited to go to class!
I WANTED to go to class.

And I ended up receiving an award for Most Improved at the end of the year.  Leslie Caruso gave me a solo on pointe at the end of year recital to celebrate my journey.

I gained clarity that I was not going to be a professional ballerina, but knew I would be a performer.  I wanted dance to be a part of my life moving forward.  I was in love with it again!

From there, my father was stationed at the Pentagon, and I found a dance studio in Northern Virginia called the Russell School of Ballet.

I showed up for classes so excited to GROW, to learn, and to take everything Leslie had taught me and take my dance to the next level, especially with pointe.

And then the Russells held me back.
They told me I was only allowed to wear my pointe shoes at the bar.
And when they cast the Nutcracker my first year, I was cast as one of Clara’s friends…..not doing the gorgeous Snow number where I would have been performing on pointe.

I tried to justify it, and enjoy the performance, and just get back to working hard. But it felt horrible.

And then the following year when they cast the Nutcracker, I was cast as one of Clara’s friends…AGAIN.

I came home absolutely crestfallen.
I felt so frustrated.

My friends were doing Snow, and I felt so embarrassed.
Why wasn’t I being given the chance to shine?

And a belief was forming,
You’re not a strong dancer.
You’re just not that good.

Have you ever felt like this?
Torn down by your teacher and then believe you are hopeless?

How has this affected your Art today and your confidence?
Are you where you want to be?

 

Who is your teacher to you?
Who are they supposed to be?

I gained my education in the Arts at a time when the models of teaching were changing.  For a long time in the dance world, humiliation was the major tool.

Publicly shaming students was commonplace.  Some of the most successful choreographers and teachers were also deeply abusive to their students, yelling at them and breaking them down. Some were also deeply manipulative, using their power position to dominate over and sexually abuse.

That’s NOT right!
Did you come here today to WASTE my time?
Stop crying….no one cares.
That looks TERRIBLE…do it again.  Do it until you bleed and learn the lesson.
I will tell you when it’s acceptable.

For some students. this would work…but only for a time.  At the end of the day, the damage done was monumental to the students’ psyche, and would inevitably lead to addiction, depression, and burnout.

Humiliation is not sustainable.

And take a moment and check in,
How do these statements FEEL in your body?

Does it make you want to create?
Does it inspire you?

It didn’t for me. Not only that, it deeply stunted my growth as a dancer.  Being held back and demoralized only convinced me I deserved it.

I remember having a powerful conversation with a dear friend who is a professional opera singer, and also a master voice teacher.  He said,
The mark of a good teacher is in your results.  If you are not seeing and feeling big changes right away, so somewhere else.

I didn’t hear this until I was in my mid 30’s, but suddenly things begin to clarify.

I thought of my huge growth in dance and choreography in college, and attributed that to my amazing mentor, Spence Ford, who taught me how to be a professional dancer and choreographer.

I thought of my voice teacher in college, Dr. Susan Boardman, who opened me to the fact I was actually a soprano and had me singing high Cs, after I was convinced I was an alto.

I thought of my high school theatre teacher , Mr. Maiden, who taught me how to act, and all the roles I played in school productions, and how I decided to do musical theatre as a profession because of him.

I thought of my voice teacher I had for 12 years in the city, Linda Glick, who taught me how to belt healthfully, and all the jobs I booked because of that work.

And of course, it all comes back to Leslie Caruso.

When I examined what she did, I realized she actually created a powerful environment for me to learn, one where I was ENCOURAGED. An environment that was safe.

At the end of the year, I went to her and thanked her deeply saying,
Ms. Caruso.  I was one of the WORST dancers in your class at the beginning of the year.  Why did you put me in the advanced class instead of the intermediate?

She looked at me and smiled simply, saying,
I saw potential in you.

And there it is…..the largest difference between humiliation and abuse…..the INTENTION and what the teacher sees.

Leslie saw the BEST in me.  She believed in me, and held me high, everyday.  THAT is why I grew.

 

So, what does your teacher see in you?
Do they have your best interests at heart?

Or are they too steeped in their own frustrations and failures?

You want a teacher who KNOWS what they are teaching, and you want a teacher who is CLEAN.

Clean of misguided anger, and truly in service.

And you can FEEL it in your body.
You can feel when your teacher is truly there for you, guiding you.

And this doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges!  Of course there will be.  Learning your Art means you will come up against all your demons, doubts, and fears because it means so much and because it takes quite a bit of SKILL to be a professional artist. We have to arrive to our classes and lessons OPEN and willing to learn.  That is our work, and responsibility.

But, is your teacher SKILLFULLY holding you as you grow?
Are they encouraging you?

Or tearing you down?

Take stock of the teachers where you have had the most growth, and if you are feeling super stuck right now, it may be time to have a heart to heart with your next steps.

Thankfully, times are changing, but there are still many teachers who abuse their roles of power.

Know you always have a choice to leave.
You have the choice to CHOOSE who guides you as you become Unstoppable.

 

I see you.
I see your brilliance.

Tune in to what actually feeds sustainable growth in your Art.  Tune into what actually OPENS you and allows you to tap into your unique artistic voice.

I’m holding your vision high.  And the right teacher for you will see this too.

 

 

 

Photography: Caitlin Cannon Photography

Driving Your Art

I’ve been in a car accident.

I start to go into shock, as I stare out the windshield in front of me, and the thought that rises is,
Am I going to die today?

My whole passenger side bashed in, I’m up on the sidewalk, spun facing the wrong way.

I look down and see my legs.
They are ok.

I look down at my arm which hurts,
but is moving.

Behind me the driver of the huge Jeep that hit me is getting out and moving towards me screaming angrily.

I slowly get out of my car and a man hands me a small bottle of water, asking,
Are you ok? I’m a cop. I’ve called in the accident.  Help is coming.

As I walk around to the passenger side of my car, I see the entire side crumpled in…..my car is totaled.

I am BLOCKS away from my home….and the craziest part is,
I just left the scene of another accident I was in. Literally 15 minutes ago…I rear-ended a car that stopped suddenly on the highway.

I was in two accidents back to back on the same day.

WHO does this happen to?
HOW could this happen?

Am I going to die today?

 

I usually refer to 2013 as  my Year of the Flame.  It began with a devastating divorce, and then turned into a raging bonfire where I lost my home, was robbed twice, lost a dear friend to a heart-attack, and then this day; the day I was in two car accidents back to back.

It was November, and I was still in shock over the loss of my friend in September.  I had gone up to visit my best friend just north of NYC, and had spent the day playing with her twins, and being outside in the vibrant fall leaves, taking pictures of them gleefully playing in their swings.

I left her house smiling, so grateful for the time, and soon was entering back into Queens….and then BOOM.

When the first accident happened, it was more startling than anything.  Everyone was ok, and I immediately called my insurance to let them know.  The other drivers were pleasant, but I drove away shaken.

Coming into Astoria, just blocks from my apartment, the intersection was blocked by a double parked van, and I couldn’t see.  As I came into the intersection, a speeding black Jeep came barreling down and completely took me out.

After the shock wore off, I found myself faced with a larger problem.

I was scheduled to drive to my alma mater, Penn State the following weekend to see my mentor’s one woman show, and now I had no car.

I knew I could rent a car….but could I drive?
Did I feel I could?

Two days later, I went to see my acupuncturist to tell her about the accident, as I was experiencing back issues.

She said,
It’s a good thing you came in right away.  Fear and trauma will store in the muscles.  This way we can move it.

I lay on my stomach, and she placed a needle right in the heart of my back muscle that took the brunt of the accident, and I immediately started to weep.

My fear pouring down my face.
My anger, my sadness, my shock.

This year…..

 

Have you ever had a huge accident?
Have you ever had a huge disappointment that took you out of your Art?

When we create from the deepest parts of ourselves, it can feel like a huge black Jeep pummels us in the face of rejection or something not turning out as we wanted:

The rejection letter from the publishers
The booking agent saying no
The gallery not responding
The show that barely sells any tickets

Not to mention, an actual life accident that leaves you really questioning,
Am I safe?
Can I do this?

What do we do in that moment?

I remember really questioning whether or not it was a good idea to drive to Penn State, days after the accident.  While I did have some bruising, the biggest piece was my fear.

I was scared to get behind the wheel again.

My best friend and my mother both encouraged me to drive again, otherwise the fear would set in. It would become something larger.

I would make it permanent, and start a new belief that wouldn’t serve me,
I’m a bad driver.

And what would be possible with this belief?
Not much….I would probably never drive again, and not experience new roads.

And for you?

What is the belief you have formed in the face of your accidents?

Is it serving you and your Art?
Is it allowing you to get back behind the wheel, back in the driver seat and receive the acclaim you desire?

I fully admit, I was terrified to drive again, but I rented a car and drove to Penn State with no incident, and you know the biggest gift I received?

That I could DO it.
That I was CAPABLE.

The only way you will know this is by DOING.

We can spend hours, days, YEARS stuck in a belief and wake up one day staring at gorgeous Art that has gone nowhere….and realize we let fear be the driver.

But, what if you got back in the seat?
What is possible for you in your Art then?

What is possible for this ONE life you have?

The first step, is to FACE your fear head on.
Love this part of yourself.

Indeed, this part has believed it was keeping you safe.

This is not a moment of shaming or saying you are wrong…this is when you LOVE this part of you as much as possible.  Allow yourself to feel.

Hand over your heart say,
Even though I feel terrified, I deeply love and respect myself.

Watch the fear rise and then fall.

And then get back in the driver seat.

 

You CAN do this.
You are CAPABLE.

Turns out the accident didn’t kill you.  The rejection didn’t kill you.  It was painful….but here you are.  You are still breathing, and with that breath, you have the whole universe.

So take your car out of park, and enter your new road.

This is your Creative Life, how do you want to live it?