Abuse No More in the Arts

Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, it’s just not good enough for your teacher?

Do you feel pushed down, and small when you go to class or your lessons?

Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?
Like you are always wrong?

When was the last time you left your class or lesson and felt GOOD about yourself, and your progress with your Art?

If you can’t remember, there may be something deeper going on…and it actually has nothing to do with you.

If you have been feeling frustrated with your growth, it may be time to look at your teacher….

 

I took a year off dancing when I was 11.  I was living in England at the time, and my mother took me out of the ballet school I was attending in Bury St. Edmunds, because the teacher was holding me back.  I was the only American in the class, and even though I worked so hard, and my level was just as high as the others, I was the only one not allowed to move to the next level.

My mother was furious, and spoke with my teacher, hoping to gain understanding.  My teacher was a stone wall, and my mother deeply believed I was being discriminated against, after the conversation.

Rather than subject me and my love of dance to another year with this woman, she took me out.

We moved to Germany, and I got back to dancing once a week, and got my first pair of pointe shoes.  I was over the moon, but not really growing as much as a dancer.

Then we moved to Montgomery, Alabama and I was accepted into the Baldwin School for the Arts, and was taking dance two hours a day, five days a week at the advanced level class with a former Royal School of Ballet teacher, Leslie Caruso.

I was one of the WORST dancers in the class.  The year off from dance had affected me, as had the ho-hum teaching I had received when I was 13, once a week, at a studio on base in Heidelberg.  This was really the first time I was getting quality training on an intensive schedule…and something magical happened…I grew.  Not only my confidence, but my technique, my expression, and I started to choreograph.

I was excited to go to class!
I WANTED to go to class.

And I ended up receiving an award for Most Improved at the end of the year.  Leslie Caruso gave me a solo on pointe at the end of year recital to celebrate my journey.

I gained clarity that I was not going to be a professional ballerina, but knew I would be a performer.  I wanted dance to be a part of my life moving forward.  I was in love with it again!

From there, my father was stationed at the Pentagon, and I found a dance studio in Northern Virginia called the Russell School of Ballet.

I showed up for classes so excited to GROW, to learn, and to take everything Leslie had taught me and take my dance to the next level, especially with pointe.

And then the Russells held me back.
They told me I was only allowed to wear my pointe shoes at the bar.
And when they cast the Nutcracker my first year, I was cast as one of Clara’s friends…..not doing the gorgeous Snow number where I would have been performing on pointe.

I tried to justify it, and enjoy the performance, and just get back to working hard. But it felt horrible.

And then the following year when they cast the Nutcracker, I was cast as one of Clara’s friends…AGAIN.

I came home absolutely crestfallen.
I felt so frustrated.

My friends were doing Snow, and I felt so embarrassed.
Why wasn’t I being given the chance to shine?

And a belief was forming,
You’re not a strong dancer.
You’re just not that good.

Have you ever felt like this?
Torn down by your teacher and then believe you are hopeless?

How has this affected your Art today and your confidence?
Are you where you want to be?

 

Who is your teacher to you?
Who are they supposed to be?

I gained my education in the Arts at a time when the models of teaching were changing.  For a long time in the dance world, humiliation was the major tool.

Publicly shaming students was commonplace.  Some of the most successful choreographers and teachers were also deeply abusive to their students, yelling at them and breaking them down. Some were also deeply manipulative, using their power position to dominate over and sexually abuse.

That’s NOT right!
Did you come here today to WASTE my time?
Stop crying….no one cares.
That looks TERRIBLE…do it again.  Do it until you bleed and learn the lesson.
I will tell you when it’s acceptable.

For some students. this would work…but only for a time.  At the end of the day, the damage done was monumental to the students’ psyche, and would inevitably lead to addiction, depression, and burnout.

Humiliation is not sustainable.

And take a moment and check in,
How do these statements FEEL in your body?

Does it make you want to create?
Does it inspire you?

It didn’t for me. Not only that, it deeply stunted my growth as a dancer.  Being held back and demoralized only convinced me I deserved it.

I remember having a powerful conversation with a dear friend who is a professional opera singer, and also a master voice teacher.  He said,
The mark of a good teacher is in your results.  If you are not seeing and feeling big changes right away, so somewhere else.

I didn’t hear this until I was in my mid 30’s, but suddenly things begin to clarify.

I thought of my huge growth in dance and choreography in college, and attributed that to my amazing mentor, Spence Ford, who taught me how to be a professional dancer and choreographer.

I thought of my voice teacher in college, Dr. Susan Boardman, who opened me to the fact I was actually a soprano and had me singing high Cs, after I was convinced I was an alto.

I thought of my high school theatre teacher , Mr. Maiden, who taught me how to act, and all the roles I played in school productions, and how I decided to do musical theatre as a profession because of him.

I thought of my voice teacher I had for 12 years in the city, Linda Glick, who taught me how to belt healthfully, and all the jobs I booked because of that work.

And of course, it all comes back to Leslie Caruso.

When I examined what she did, I realized she actually created a powerful environment for me to learn, one where I was ENCOURAGED. An environment that was safe.

At the end of the year, I went to her and thanked her deeply saying,
Ms. Caruso.  I was one of the WORST dancers in your class at the beginning of the year.  Why did you put me in the advanced class instead of the intermediate?

She looked at me and smiled simply, saying,
I saw potential in you.

And there it is…..the largest difference between humiliation and abuse…..the INTENTION and what the teacher sees.

Leslie saw the BEST in me.  She believed in me, and held me high, everyday.  THAT is why I grew.

 

So, what does your teacher see in you?
Do they have your best interests at heart?

Or are they too steeped in their own frustrations and failures?

You want a teacher who KNOWS what they are teaching, and you want a teacher who is CLEAN.

Clean of misguided anger, and truly in service.

And you can FEEL it in your body.
You can feel when your teacher is truly there for you, guiding you.

And this doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges!  Of course there will be.  Learning your Art means you will come up against all your demons, doubts, and fears because it means so much and because it takes quite a bit of SKILL to be a professional artist. We have to arrive to our classes and lessons OPEN and willing to learn.  That is our work, and responsibility.

But, is your teacher SKILLFULLY holding you as you grow?
Are they encouraging you?

Or tearing you down?

Take stock of the teachers where you have had the most growth, and if you are feeling super stuck right now, it may be time to have a heart to heart with your next steps.

Thankfully, times are changing, but there are still many teachers who abuse their roles of power.

Know you always have a choice to leave.
You have the choice to CHOOSE who guides you as you become Unstoppable.

 

I see you.
I see your brilliance.

Tune in to what actually feeds sustainable growth in your Art.  Tune into what actually OPENS you and allows you to tap into your unique artistic voice.

I’m holding your vision high.  And the right teacher for you will see this too.

 

 

 

Photography: Caitlin Cannon Photography

Your Five Closest

Have you ever felt completely depleted?

You feel low energy, and as you stare at your Art projects, there is an emptiness…a lack of inspiration.

And this feels so icky! Your Art is your heartbeat and passion.

What is going on?

The muse has left the building, and it can feel very lonely.

So what do we do in that moment?
How do we turn it around to return to that place of energy, joy, and creative flow?

How do we go from feeling stuck to inspired action?

A few weeks ago, I went to see a close friend present her choreography at Martha Graham.  It was a very special night, as she was showcasing work that had taken two years to compile.

At the end of the show, the audience leapt to the their feet, and as I stood cheering, I became aware of one woman in the back, shouting very loudly. Turning to see who it was, my whole stomach dropped.

Standing clear as day was a woman who used to be my friend, who used to be one of my closest confidants, and even a fellow performer.

We shared years of secrets, tears, triumphs and tribulations….until it all ended, right in the wake of my devastating divorce.

A friend no more, I hadn’t seen her in years, and instantly I could feel my body tighten.

Would she say anything to me?
Would I say anything to her?

I hadn’t seen her when I came in, and now with hindsight it made perfect sense she was here.  Of course, she is also close friends with the choreographer.

Friends with her….not with me…anymore.

And for very good reason.
She stopped being a healthy support for me.

She was the only friend who thought I should do a trial 6 month separation in the face of infidelity and a man telling me to my face he didn’t love me anymore.

She defended my ex when I laid  myself at her feet, sharing how devastated and broken I felt.

I felt invisible in her presence.
I felt like my words didn’t matter….

And most of all, as I started to truly open up about my shame and vulnerability, she wasn’t interested. She wasn’t a safe harbor anymore.

In simplest terms, we were no longer on the same page.

I wanted to grow, she didn’t.

So, we ended the friendship…mutually, and never spoke again.

And I went on to create many new friendships, deepen the most loving ones, and build a whole new life where my Art actually nourished me, instead of drained me.

My new friendships reflected where I was NOW, not where I was before.

And that evening, among the throngs of people at the Martha Graham studio , no words were exchanged.  Our eyes never met….we both knew.  We had both moved on.

 

Who supports you?
Do they understand your passion and Art?

Do you feel like you are spending all your time convincing them?

That can be really draining.
That can be exhausting.

And if they are close to you, it can really affect not only the quality of your Art, but your ability to actually get out there and promote yourself, connecting with your audience.

One of the most famous quotes rings very true here,
You are the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with.

So, take a moment and take stock.

Who are you surrounding yourself with?
What are they saying?

Are they criticizing you and bringing you down?
How do you feel in their presence?
Energized and inspired, or exhausted and depleted?

As Artists, our power is in community. YOUR power lies in support and fellow Artists who not only GET you, but lift you to do your best, to express your heart, and to step forward fearlessly with your unique voice.

And here’s the part that I missed for SO long….we do this TOGETHER.

Specifically, we do this with Artists who are on the same page.

They want to be Untoppable
They want to create their best work
They want to move the audience

Like you.

Negative, blaming, and critical energy can be so draining.

Find your people who inspire you, who energize your muse, and who hold your path of GROWTH as absolutely vital.

We are constantly changing and becoming with every day!  This is the joy of being an Artist, because we have the ability to express this.

So, take stock.  Release those who are more interested in blaming and staying stuck.  Release them with grace and know,
you are not alone.

Let’s rise together.

Choose those closest to you with care.

This is your precious life.

Who do you want to share it with?