Moving Day

I’ve been talking about this for months, and now the time is here.

I’m leaving.
I’m packing up all my things.

This is it.

After over 19 years in New York City, I am moving out of the city.

And even though this is something I have always envisioned,
even though this is ultimately what I want,
even though this move is bringing me closer to the life I have been working for, for SO long….

I’m terrified.

Have you ever felt this?

Worked so hard towards your Artistic Dream, towards the acclaim you desire and a life that is deeply fulfilling doing work you love where you thrive….and THERE it is, right in front of you…and yet, you feel paralyzed?

We so commonly hear the conversation around Fear of Failure, but what about Fear of Success?

What do we DO when all we want is right in front of us, and we feel overwhelmed?


I moved to NYC back in 1998, fresh out of college, newly married, and ready to “make it”. I grabbed my Backstage paper, and went to as many auditions as I could, booking work very quickly.

After five years in college, I was ready for the hustle and bustle, and felt grounded in being married.

My focus was on my career, but family was always in the future.

I used to declare that one day, we would move out of the city, fantasizing about a real house on the Hudson River.

I was clear I didn’t want to raise a family in the city, and this was where I needed to be while I was building my career.

For live theatre, NYC is the place.

So, I stayed…and I worked, and I hit a ceiling.

My dream of Broadway felt out of my grasp.  So many close calls, final auditions….and meanwhile, my marriage that had felt like the calm in the storm was starting to crumble.

I remember doing a production of Romance Romance in the summer of 2010, and my grandmother came to see the show.  We were sitting on a bench in the heart of Cape May, NJ in the early evening summer sun, and she inquired around if I was planning on starting to have a family.  She grabbed my hand, and squeezed it, looking right through me saying,
Don’t wait too long.

I had just turned 35, and was feeling a panic.  I had always thought I would have the family by now….the Broadway show…this wasn’t the timeline I imagined.

My grandmother passed about 7 months later, and on my 36th birthday, I officially got off the pill and started trying.

Except it wasn’t working.  I was taking my temperature every day, writing down on charts, going to acupuncture…and nothing.  I began to think I was “one of those women” and something was wrong with me.

But, my body was actually protecting me.
My body knew what was coming.

Four months after my 37th birthday, my husband knelt in front of me to share he didn’t want to be married anymore and didn’t want to have kids.

And just when I thought I was going to be moving out of the city and starting a new life….I lost my married home, and moved into a very small 300 square foot one bedroom.

Everything I knew of my life burned to the ground, and I questioned if I would ever have a family.
Would I ever have that home?
Would I ever have a partner that wanted children?

As I turned the key in my new apartment, I walked into a reality I never saw coming.

And then something magical happened…
This new apartment became a cocoon.
This new apartment became a sanctuary.
This new apartment gave me quiet, and the space to create a life I couldn’t conceive of before.

I learned who I really was beneath all the criticism, self judgement, and comparison that had been running the show for so long.

And I healed my heart, learning to love again.

And I met a special man…..who came with a home.

And he lives outside NYC.
Everything I said I wanted.

So, here it is right in front of me….MOVING DAY…..and I’m terrified.
It’s pretty crazy, isn’t it?
Why do we do this to ourselves?

What is REALLY at play underneath the fear?


As Artists we work so hard.
We GIVE, and we give so much of our hearts in the process.  Our art is literally an expression of our desires, our fears, and what matters most.

We sing
We dance
We write
We create,

And all of this flows from within us, with the hopes and dreams we will evoke strong emotion in our audience, be fulfilled in our work, and create great art that allows us to thrive.

We are on output SO much, creating endlessly. Our desire so strong to receive the acclaim we desire.

So, what happens when it starts to occur?
What happens when our fans start to rave?
What happens when you are in demand?

You taste that sweetness of being seen, of being heard, of FINALLY an audience that GETS you.

And where do we go?

We get scared it will LEAVE.

As my brilliant therapist so succinctly put it,
With attachment comes fear of loss.

I have literally spent the last five years with one goal in mind,
to find my man and start a family.

With my whole being and heart I have wanted this, and it has been a birthing on a scale I didn’t even know I was capable of.

So, naturally, I am terrified it will slip through my fingers…
just like my last marriage.

And yet, here is the miracle.

This came into my life because I stayed IN it.  It came because I gave energy to it, day after day. This move is a manifestation of my efforts.

And now the next chapter begins.

And just like the woman who felt so lost and terrified five years ago, I know what is most important.

The fear is PART OF the journey.

And maybe that home I had been seeking for so long, was in me all along.
Maybe connecting to my inner home, was really the grounding I was needing.

Because that home….never leaves.

“Big challenges stretch us beyond our self-image to something deeper.  Who we think we are won’t win this challenge, but who we really are can”
-Robert Holden


So, what grounds you in your life?

It’s from this “home” you will create your best work, and have the CAPACITY to deal with the fear as it arises. I stand here today and share with you I’m scared AND I am moving WITH that fear.

The fear hasn’t stopped me from moving.  I may lose it all, and that’s the chance I am willing to take.  In fact, I know life has an end point, and it’s because I know it will end, that I am FREED to take action.

This is your life.  How do want to live your days?


What would be possible if you moved WITH your fear?
What action would you take in your Art?

Pack up your things, it’s moving day.



Photography: Caitlin Cannon Photography

My Birthday Present

Before me, a volcano.

The picture jumping out of the poster, with the words,
Yoga Retreat

As I stand rooted in NYC holding my yoga mat, I see the dates for the retreat are over my birthday.  And that’s in a a little over a month.

I’ve just moved out of my married home, been robbed, and am in deep mourning.  Seeing the lush greens of Guatemala pictured so beautifully in the poster, I turn to the front desk, and ask,

Who do I give my money to?

I’ve never done something like this before.  Given myself a huge gift.

But the message is so clear. And something is drawing me, something new inside.


Have you ever felt this?
What have you gifted yourself?
How do you celebrate your birthday?

Arriving at Villa Sumaya on Lake Atitlan, Guatemala back in July of 2013 was out of a dream.  I had never been to Central America before, and I had never been on a yoga retreat.  These were two things I had always wanted to experience, but had told myself they were not possible.

And now, both were made real with one decision.

I was one of 13 yogis that came from my yoga studio, including our two teachers.

We were all there for various reasons, and I knew clearly why I was here…

To heal.

Or at least, that is what I thought.

As part of our week, we had a Fire Protection Ceremony with a Mayan Shaman named Thomas.  Again, something I had never experienced before. Thomas spoke of the Mayan calendar and how this year was a good opportunity for change.

The ceremony was right beside the huge lake, and as Thomas built the fire,  I stared out at the lapping waters.

This lake was unlike any other, and all of us had the same experience when we swam in its deep, churning waters.

It exhausted us.

I was in really good shape, and on our first day there, put on my bathing suit, and treaded water for about two minutes.  When I got out, I felt as if I had swam for miles.

I felt as if the lake had taken something from me.

I emerged from the water breathless, shocked and surprised, and the other yogis all felt the same. I could barely catch my breath and sat on the pier with my eyes wide, holding my chest.

What had happened in the water?

As Thomas was setting up the fire, he spoke of the lake and how it held memories, and it began to click.

This was no ordinary body of water, and clearly part of my journey here was letting go, releasing the past.

During the ceremony, Thomas had us all pick a flower or plant by the water and whisper our past into its leaves and petals.

I picked a purple thistle, asked it to remember, and then threw it into the lake. As tears streamed down my face, I could feel space inside, and a relief.

A huge birthday present indeed.


What are you holding on to?

If you jumped into this lake, what would be washed away from your past?

What could this mean for your Art?

This week I celebrated my 42nd Birthday.  I woke to the loving arms of my man, and his energetic exclamation,
It’s your BIRTHDAY!

I was awash with gratitude, and wonder, and something even deeper..


Our morning was left open to do whatever we wanted, and a visual came up within, a visual of water, and making an offering.

We took quick showers, and drove to Gantry Plaza State Park in LIC, Queens.

Instead of a volcano, I faced the majesty of the NYC skyline, rising from the East River.

I picked a single yellow daisy, bright in the morning light, and walked to the railing.

Holding the flower close to my lips, I whispered,

From Guatemala to NYC
From Lake Atitlan to the East River
thank you for this journey
From grief and loss to love
From letting go to receiving
I make this offering today to the water,
to the future,
and the journey that lies ahead

And then I let it go.

A huge birthday present, indeed.


What gifts are you giving to yourself?
How are you celebrating?

ARE you celebrating?

We can get caught in believing that a gift is something we acquire, but it may actually just be the willingness to do something very radical as an artist,


Take stock today, and think of what is holding you back.  Look at what you feel you are “struggling with” and see where there are opportunities to make a change.

It may come as a retreat poster
It may come as a lake
It may come as a purple thistle
It may come as a giant loss

You’ve been crying out for help, and the answers are right in front of you. Are you seeing the signs?

Can you open and receive what it ALLOWS in you?  Giving up the fight can be exhausting. I’m grateful the lake took it FROM me.

Give yourself a birthday gift today.  Celebrate your natural Creative gifts, releasing the past and opening to the present.

Give to the water, the flow of life, and release the control.  Change is constant, and it’s time to return to your natural state.

The state of sweet Artistic Flow.