“So what if it’s us?
What if it’s us
And only us
And what came before won’t count anymore or matter?
Can we try that?
What if it’s you
And what if it’s me
And what if that’s all that we need it to be
And the rest of the world falls away?
What do you say?”
Two weeks ago I celebrated my 6 month wedding anniversary and the anniversary of our engagement. We celebrated with a weekend in the city seeing two Broadway shows, and then last weekend went away to a very special Bed and Breakfast just over an hour away from us.
It was magical, and I found myself overcome with gratitude for my marriage, and for my husband…this miracle that entered into my life.
Miracle tends to be the word I use, because this union didn’t occur overnight. It emerged out of a very painful divorce, and an earnest journey of four and a half years where many times I felt like I was banging my head against the wall and getting nowhere.
Have you ever felt like that?
After a 15 year marriage, I was completely disoriented. I had to first understand,
how the HECK the divorce occurred in the first place
my role in everything falling apart
how to process the enormous anger that was pervading my days
WHY I had stayed in the marriage for so long trying to make it work
And then I had to understand and learn the most important piece,
What a healthy relationship actually looks and FEELS like.
Apparently, there were some huge gaps.
For years, I felt haunted by my patterns.
For me, it all came back to wanting to control the man, so I dated man after man that was unavailable. It was devastating, because my biggest fear was I would end up marrying someone just like my first husband. I would honestly think I was making progress, working with coaches, going online, being in therapy….and then after a few dates, I would have the HUGE realization….
Oh my GOD….he’s unavailable too.
It wasn’t until I learned how to be AVAILABLE myself that things turned around. If I wasn’t in a control state, I was actually relaxed, so when I was in front of my dates, I just checked in to see if I was relaxed. And if I wasn’t, and could feel myself reaching out and wanting him to be WAY different than he was, then I knew I was in my pattern and it was time to go.
And then I had my first date with my husband.
I had never been this relaxed on a first date.
It was actually mind blowing.
Was this possible?
Could I BE different?
Could I actually be relaxed and open?
Apparently those gaps were closing. The chasm now had a bridge.
On our third date, we went exclusive, and within a year we were engaged and I had moved down to NJ.
And what I kept coming back to was a moment of amazement at how I FELT in my body with him. I was changing.
I was recently driving to the train station to head into Manhattan, and was listening to the Spotify playlist I created for our wedding, and on came this song from Dear Evan Hansen, “Only Us”.
I love to sing along to this song, and yet, was overcome with emotion when the words,
and what came before won’t count anymore or matter…can we try that?
I thought of the journey to this moment. I thought of the fear that welled in me for years I would just go and marry another who would break my heart and leave me. I thought of the fear that I would stay stuck, feeling unfulfilled in my relationships and feeling underappreciated and undervalued.
And there was a powerful question here in the lyric,
can we try that?
For years, I held on to my past for fears of repeating it, and yet, here I am, celebrating six months and more in love than ever.
What if it’s JUST this moment?
Just this marriage?
Just this relationship?
What if I was here NOW?
Because the truth is, I have mined and faced ALL of my divorce. I have taken down that wall brick by brick to understand. I’ve come to clarity about WHY it occurred and my part in it.
The marriage I have now.
It couldn’t be more radically different. And the way I know that is how I feel. Waaaaaaay more relaxed.
So, what about you?
Have you felt haunted by patterns in your Art?
Have you felt stuck in relationships that let you down again and again?
What is the relationship you deeply want to cultivate this year?
Is it with,
your perfect producer
your perfect publisher
an amazing band
Your perfect booking agent
the most amazing agent
a team that supports you and promotes you
a raving audience
Take a moment today and LOOK at those patterns. Do you understand WHY you have taken the same actions again and again?
Do you understand why these relationships have either not happened or have fallen apart?
What if turning TOWARDS them is the answer to you changing them?
Because it’s when we have full understanding, we can make a new choice. I needed to understand I was unavailable to fully call in a very different relationship.
And I’m sharing this with you, because your career and your success in your work ALL comes down to relationships.
You don’t get there alone.
And the beauty of all of this is,
change is constant.
Once you have clarity around the WHY of your patterns, you can release them.
In fact, that is when you will attract those relationships that have eluded you, because YOU have clarity. It was never about them. It was always going to happen inside you.
What happened in my love life actually had an effect on EVERY relationship in my life and allowed me to build a team that nurtures me, and go full time with my work.
You are a whole person. Everything is connected.
what came before won’t count anymore or matter….
Can YOU try that?
“We can try that
You and me
That’s all that we need it to be
And the rest of the world falls away
And the rest of the world falls away”
What if the “world” you created where you always stay the same is just that?
Learn how to build healthy relationships and watch the old world fall away.
When you are available, your dreams rush in.
Photography: Dag Photo